I Confess…

I went out tonight in the pouring rain with lightning and thunderstorms blazing across the sky. I’m cold and soaked through the bone, yet I feel numbed. I must have walked and walked for hours because when I finally stopped, I was miles and miles away from my house. In the past month or two, I’ve been thinking a lot about life in general, both RL and SL. I guess this has been a long time coming but tonight someone opened my eyes.

When I discovered SL, I was very depressed and probably at one of the lowest points of my life. I used to be a RL model and then one night, I was in a disfiguring accident that changed everything. It is funny how one thing that you never even see coming can totally change your whole life in an instant. I was so ashamed and I did not want anyone to see what I look like. I wanted to be someone else. I came to Second Life to heal and to bring back my self-esteem/self-confidence that I once had. SL Modeling afforded me that opportunity. I still can remember the joy and excitement as I wait backstage for my turn on the runway or feeling honored when I see my picture in the magazines or vendors. I am a pretty shy and private person, so it was never about the attention for me. Each castings and contests that I’ve gone through, it was for myself…a kind of validation for me that I can do it. Every win has given me back a sense of pride while every loss has only made me stronger and more humble. I’ve been very blessed in my modeling journey from being accepted at top agencies as well as winning coveted awards like BOSL Top Male Model, Maniera Men of Style/Ones to Watch, Mr. Moolto, MVW 2nd runner up and so on…… There was a time when modeling was the most important thing in my life. It was always what contest to win next or which agencies to aim for. I lost myself. I lost my friends and I lost focused on what’s important. I woke up and realize that all the supermodel tags, elite groups and coveted jobs in the world do not define me and my importance. All I needed is just to be myself and to accept my RL circumstance.  I look back now and I feel sad. What have I gained? Was it all worth it?

I shake my head sometimes when I see people placed so much importance on things that don’t matter. It sickens me how people behave in Second Life to get what they want. They act like spoiled children hiding behind their avatars: flexing their muscles, flaunting their successes, enforcing their delusions of power, stabbing each other on the back and treating each other badly. I honestly never encountered such blatant evil and cruelness until I came to Second Life. I mean how can someone you’ve helped so much and call a friend/brother tried to ruin your marriage because he fell in love with your husband, just two days after the marriage? Or a mentor you look up to professing his love for your husband just a couple of months after the wedding? I have no anger for you both. I forgive you and wish you true happiness in your lives. We all make mistakes including me and I’ll be the first one to admit that I am no Saint. If I ever did anyone wrong, then I am truly sorry. Just love each other and treat everyone with respect.

Now, back to tonight. As I write this, my mind keeps wavering whether I should go or stay. There are really many wonderful people in SL that I can call as real life friends. There’s still so much projects I promised that needed to be done but lately, I’ve been feeling that I need to focus now on Real Life. YOU MUST LIVE YOUR LIFE in the real world.  I’m at a crossroads and I honestly don’t know which path to take. I need a few days to think it over.

Thank you for listening to my Rant.

<3Rico

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11 Comments

  1. Rico, my wonderful SL brother and friend. You have clearly been thinking about this for such a long time, you have already taken some time away and come back but now its time for you to make your final decision. Really and truthfully look at what you have in RL and SL, whats more important? You know I had to make that decision myself some time ago and I have never been happier.

    SL can never ever be a replacement for RL, after all it is just a game. Those true friends you have made will always be there for you and say hi to you when you pop back on, just like we do.

    I know you will make the right decision for you, just make sure its your decision.

    Mango and I wish you the very best whatever you decide and we are sending hugs and love to you and yours 🙂

    xxxxxxx

  2. Rico, my wonderful SL brother and friend. This is clearly something you have been thinking about for a while now, you have previously paused and contemplated and taken a break then come back. So now its time to finally and truthfully sit down and really decide where you want to live your life. I made my decision a long time ago now and feel much happier for it. SL will never be a replacement for RL and if you have found what you need in RL, please now focus your time and attention on that. True friends on SL will always be there to say hi to you when you do pop on, just like we do. Lots of love to you from me and Mango and we are sure you will make the right decision for you 🙂

    Amber Quinzet-Lohner

  3. I hope you will stay, because I think you mean a lot to many and you would be missed. However, I believe that all things in life should be done for the joy of doing them and for the happiness they bring you. If SL fails to bring you joy or contribute to your RL in some positive way, then it is not worth your time. In the end, all we can do is try our best to use our time in the best way possible to be happy.

  4. Rico I empathise with you wholeheartedly. I think that inevitably we all reach the crossroad you find yourself at. The decision to stay or leave is incredibly difficult to make. Can your SL commitments take your mind off the disappointments and hurt that have come your way? The answer is more than likely no. Set yourself a deadline to make your decision by, otherwise you will wallow around rudderless. Finish your immediate commitments and then do what is the best for you, you deserve to be happy and SL is not the be all and end all, your real life is far more important.

    Wishing you all the very best

    Lacy M

  5. Rico, I can empathize with you wholeheartedly!! I believe the decision to stay or go is inevitable. It is also a surprisingly difficult decision to make especially when one has made various commitments amongst other things, but it is not impossible. Finish the immediate commitments, but set yourself a deadline to make your final decision by, otherwise you will continue to drift around rudderless and that is not good for the soul. Whatever you decide it has to be what is best for you in the long run. Take care of yourself.

    Lacy M

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