I Confess…

I went out tonight in the pouring rain with lightning and thunderstorms blazing across the sky. I’m cold and soaked through the bone, yet I feel numbed. I must have walked and walked for hours because when I finally stopped, I was miles and miles away from my house. In the past month or two, I’ve been thinking a lot about life in general, both RL and SL. I guess this has been a long time coming but tonight someone opened my eyes.

When I discovered SL, I was very depressed and probably at one of the lowest points of my life. I used to be a RL model and then one night, I was in a disfiguring accident that changed everything. It is funny how one thing that you never even see coming can totally change your whole life in an instant. I was so ashamed and I did not want anyone to see what I look like. I wanted to be someone else. I came to Second Life to heal and to bring back my self-esteem/self-confidence that I once had. SL Modeling afforded me that opportunity. I still can remember the joy and excitement as I wait backstage for my turn on the runway or feeling honored when I see my picture in the magazines or vendors. I am a pretty shy and private person, so it was never about the attention for me. Each castings and contests that I’ve gone through, it was for myself…a kind of validation for me that I can do it. Every win has given me back a sense of pride while every loss has only made me stronger and more humble. I’ve been very blessed in my modeling journey from being accepted at top agencies as well as winning coveted awards like BOSL Top Male Model, Maniera Men of Style/Ones to Watch, Mr. Moolto, MVW 2nd runner up and so on…… There was a time when modeling was the most important thing in my life. It was always what contest to win next or which agencies to aim for. I lost myself. I lost my friends and I lost focused on what’s important. I woke up and realize that all the supermodel tags, elite groups and coveted jobs in the world do not define me and my importance. All I needed is just to be myself and to accept my RL circumstance.  I look back now and I feel sad. What have I gained? Was it all worth it?

I shake my head sometimes when I see people placed so much importance on things that don’t matter. It sickens me how people behave in Second Life to get what they want. They act like spoiled children hiding behind their avatars: flexing their muscles, flaunting their successes, enforcing their delusions of power, stabbing each other on the back and treating each other badly. I honestly never encountered such blatant evil and cruelness until I came to Second Life. I mean how can someone you’ve helped so much and call a friend/brother tried to ruin your marriage because he fell in love with your husband, just two days after the marriage? Or a mentor you look up to professing his love for your husband just a couple of months after the wedding? I have no anger for you both. I forgive you and wish you true happiness in your lives. We all make mistakes including me and I’ll be the first one to admit that I am no Saint. If I ever did anyone wrong, then I am truly sorry. Just love each other and treat everyone with respect.

Now, back to tonight. As I write this, my mind keeps wavering whether I should go or stay. There are really many wonderful people in SL that I can call as real life friends. There’s still so much projects I promised that needed to be done but lately, I’ve been feeling that I need to focus now on Real Life. YOU MUST LIVE YOUR LIFE in the real world.  I’m at a crossroads and I honestly don’t know which path to take. I need a few days to think it over.

Thank you for listening to my Rant.